NEVER FORGET
A.C. WOLFE & N.B. WELLS
WC: 3,961
1:00pm
Dear Neil,
Hi. I love you. I’ve decided to write you a letter every day because if you die I can’t forget you. I’m the only one who will be able to mourn you, at least in my world. So here’s my letter for today:
Hi. Yeah, I know I said that already. I need you. I need you to stay around. I’m sorry that I cut myself, and I know you hate it, and I’m so sorry. But sorry doesn’t work unless I stop, so why do I even bother to say it anymore? You know I can’t stop. I’m sorry. Shit, I said it again. Oh well. I’m going to cut. It’s just a fact of my life. And I am truly sorry that I ruin your days and weeks and months and years with that knowledge, but think of it like this: if I cut, then I don’t kill myself. Killing myself is permanent. Cutting is not. So you can still have me around. It’s okay, I promise. Really, I do. But I can’t give it up. I’m too addicted to the pain. Pain is delicious. You should know this better than anyone. You used to cut. Yes, I am glad you stopped. Yes, I know you’d be ecstatic if I stopped cutting. But I can’t. Sorry. Shit. I really need to stop saying sorry. I swear, I’m not doing that to be annoying. I can’t control it, I’m sorry. FUCK! Um, ignore that. So, how’s your day going? I know you can’t answer me truthfully, because you can’t let your family know how you really feel. But think it at me, okay? I’ll hear it, somehow. I hate that we have to live across the country from each other. America is a big place. One day, I’ll find you. I really promise this time, okay? Tell Nick I said hi! God, your brother is adorable. Well, being pen pals has its advantages, so I guess that’s cool. But still. It would be so much better to kiss you in real life instead of kissing the computer screen, or cry on your shoulder instead of… you know what? I don’t actually cry on the computer. Again, one day. Just hold on. Okay? For me? I need you, pen boyfriend. It’s kind of cool to have a boyfriend who loves in Los Angelos. Send me some pictures of the naked ladies, will you?^ν^. Just kidding… mostly. Well, I love you. Don’t forget that, and don’t forget to write back! Love ╹◡╹,
Alex.
1:30pm
Alex,
Hi, mate! Things are going like shit around here, which I’m sure you heard when I thought it at you. Thoughts travel faster than words. d( ̄  ̄). Anyway, how are YOU doing? Never mind, I already know the answer. I love you, too. Always. How could I ever forget to write you? Why do you doubt me? LOL. Soulmates forever, right? Ahaha, do you remember when we made that up, in first grade. The good old days. Yeah, it’s ninth grade now. Things are so much harder. Mom’s having trouble paying the bills, and dad left. Sorry for not writing that earlier. I meant to, but it was just so hard to think about. I’m writing it now, so that’s what counts. There are tons of hot girls at school, but, not surprisingly, they won’t let me take any pictures. You’re right. Cutting is addictive. But I managed to stop, so I still hope that one day you will, too. One day, Alex. One day we’ll be together. But things aren’t looking good. Hey, it’s okay. I’m holding on. All week, I refrained from killing myself. I did get in a fight though. Sorry about that. You really do say sorry too much, yo. But it’s okay. You’re still the best. You’ll always be the best, no competition. I promise. If I break the promise, you get to cut off my pinky or stab my eye with a needle or something. So yeah, I won’t break that promise, promise. LOL. I’m soooo funny. See, this is why you love me. Because you secretly love my corny jokes. Right? Right? *Crickets* Oh. Oh well. Social Anxiety is kicking in again, and I don’t know what keeps triggering it. I know you love me, though. Even social anxiety can’t beat that. I feel like my few new friends hate me, cause, you know, I’m new and stuff. I fucking HATE being in a military family. And the odds are slim to none that we’ll move back to little old Indiana. But one day I’ll come back to the boring town, with you in it, and we will be together. And get married. And have… Okay, I guess we can’t literally have kids, but we can adopt kids. Right? Okay. I know you’ll say yes now. But what about in twenty years? You know what? I’ve got to stop worrying.
~Neil
1:45pm
Dear Neil,
YOU DO NEED TO STOP WORRYING YOU LITTLE IDIOT!!! OF COURSE I’LL STILL LOVE YOU IN TWENTY YEARS! Okay, let’s turn off the caps lock. I’ll love you forever. Seriously. I’ll love you when I’m a fucking ghost. You with the social anxiety, me with my depression. We’re a mess, but still, it’s like we’re made for eachother. Hell yeah, we’ll get married and go to the same college and have two point five kids and live in Boulder where kids have coming out parties. It’ll be fun. And you won’t have to worry about being judged, because judging people is not a skill set that Boulderians have. They just don’t. It’ll be perfect for us. No one will look twice at us. We’re a normal gay couple. See? Not so hard. All I need is some money. I’ve started saving up. I need 300 more dollars to get to L.A., and another 400 to get us to boulder. I’ve saved up 16 bucks so far. Sigh. Progress is slow. But my mom says I can get an allowance soon, which means I’ll save up more, faster. I stopped eating lunch, that’s how I saved up the money. I know you’re probably mad about that, but hey, it’s for a good cause. You. You’re the best cause I could ever fundraise for. Got that? So just hold on a while longer. Just a while longer, okay? No need to kill yourself. We’ll be safe soon. Promise.
Love,
Alex.
12:00am
Alex,
You don’t kill yourself either, okay?
~Neil
9:00am
Dear Neil,
Okay. I promise. School sucks. These jackasses keep calling me a fag, and I keep getting into fights. I can’t really blame you for that one you got into. It sucks, because the school keeps threatening to kick me out. My writing career will be at an end. Maybe I’ll earn my way to you with my artwork. You know I can draw okay.
Love,
Alex.
9:01am
Alex,
Yeah, okay. Don’t get kicked out. You need to go to a good college. Then you’ll earn your way to me.
~Neil
9:15am
Dear Neil,
Yeah, once I get out of my student debt.
Anyway, Good morning! No one has said that yet. Why the Hell were you up at midnight? Get some sleep, Jesus.
Love,
Alex
9:30am
Alex,
I couldn’t sleep. Okay, Mom. LOL. I’m texting at school, so I should probably put my phone away for a while. Email me at three, okay? I’ll answer then. Love you lots,
~Neil
3:30am
Alex,
Where are you? I told u to email at three pm! You still haven’t texted me at three in the morning!! I’ve been up all night! Are you alive?
~Neil
4:02am
Dear Neil,
Barely.
Love,
Alex.
4:05am
Alex,
What??? What does that mean???? Are you okay???? Please tell me you didn’t try to kill yourself.
~Neil (Who loves you and doesn’t want you to die)
4:15am
Dear Neil,
I did. Sorry. I just can’t take this anymore. I can’t take it, Neil. My mom found out about you and now she doesn’t want me talking to you. She’s crazy about this gay shit, you know. She told me that God had a plan for me to not be gay and I told her she was crazy. I have to sneak around to text you now. How fucking annoying is that? It’s fucking annoying. And now I’m fucking pissed as Hell. So yeah. I tried to die. Maybe we’ll be together in Hell. Cause if God has a plan for me without you, I ain’t going to no damn Heaven. Sorry for ranting, sorry for trying to kill myself, and sorry for everything.
Love,
Alex.
6:17am
Alex,
What did you do to die? Overdose on meds?
~Neil
6:21am
Dear Neil,
Nah. I slit my wrists.
Didn’t die though. Lucky me. Mom didn’t even bother to take me to the hospital. I just got “lucky”. She doesn’t even care anymore.
Love,
Alex.
6:22am
Alex,
Well, I’m glad you didn’t die. I need you to survive.
I mean, seriously. You’re the best. So don’t die. I’ll get there eventually. Seriously, don’t you dare die on me. Don’t you fucking dare, you little shit. You’re mine. :)
Anyway, I love you. Please, please, please, don’t die. I fucking need you. No more slitting your wrists. I want to be able to hold you one day. Seriously. Don’t. Fucking. Die. I need you, okay? I know I said that before, and it’s true. I can’t live without you. You’re my rock, my best friend, my date, you’re my everything. So don’t die. Promise me, okay? Promise.
~Neil (Who loves you and doesn’t want you to die)
6:45am
Dear Neil,
I can’t promise that. But I promise not to try to die, okay? That’s the best I can do. No suicide, I swear.
Love,
Alex.
P.S. I like your signature. LOL.
7:00am
Alex,
Bye. Going to school now. Email me when you can (๑╹ω╹๑ )
~Neil (Who loves you and doesn’t want you to die)
P.S. Thanks, bestie.
2:08am
Dear Neil,
Hi. Sorry it took me so long. Mom’s a bitch. Jesus, sometimes I wish I could just get out of here, you know? Just run all the way to L.A., The City of Angels, they call it. Los Angeles. What’s it like? It’s probably loads better than here. Shit, man. I wish I was with you. I don’t even care where. I want to be able to wake up in the morning with you next to me.
50 bucks.
Love,
Alex.
2:11am
Alex,
Where’d you get the money?
~Neil
2:34am
Dear Neil,
Stole it from mom.
Love,
Alex.
2:40am
Alex,
Damn. But okay. How is your mom being a bitch? Is she abusing you? If she is I swear to God I’ll come over there and kill her.
~Neil
P.S. I still love you but I’m too lazy to type the whole sentence :) LOL.
2:56am
Dear Neil,
She’s abusing me. Physically.
Love.
Alex.
P.S. LOL. Good to know.
3:01am
Alex,
Okay, I’ll see you later over your mother’s dead body LOL.
~Neil
P.S. I love you.
3:06am
Dear Neil,
I love you too. Anyway, it’s not that bad yet. I stole more money as revenge. Fifty seven dollars. That’s all the cash she has.
Love,
Alex.
3:07am
Alex,
Why not steal her credit card? She’ll get suspicious eventually, but if you hurry… Anyway, yeah. I love you.
~Neil
3:15am
Dear Neil,
You’re a fucking genius.
I’m coming for you ;).
Love,
Alex.
3:17am
WAIT WHAT!??!????!
OMG DON’T GET CAUGHT!!!!! OR I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF, GOT IT???
3:51am
Alex,
ALEX??????? R U THERE???
~Neil
4:28am
Alex,
ALEX???????
~Neil
5:34am
Alex,
COME ON MAN ANSWER ME!! I’M WORRIED AS FUCK RIGHT NOW.
~Neil
8:45am
JESUS ALEX
~Neil
9:00am
Dear Neil,
Alex Gerepo has been arrested on charges of stealing his mother’s credit card.
9:11am
Alex,
Oh shit.
~Neil
9:16am
Dear Neil,
Just kidding ahahahahah. Look in your bedroom when you get home…
It’s a four hour flight, what did you expect?
Anyhoo, we did it!!! I’m here! Sure, we’ll be fugitives, but:
So.
Fucking.
Worth.
It.
Love,
Alex.
4:35pm
Alex,
I’m home.
~Neil.
4:36
“Alex?”
“Neil? Told you I’d be here.” Neil stands in the doorway, shocked and amazing and totally, completely in love.
“Dude. I’m so… I don’t even know.” Neil lingers in the doorway, afraid to move forward as if Alex is an apparition that will disappear at the slightest touch. “Are you real?” Alex laughs and lunges forward to hug Neil.
“Oh-my-fucking-shit-you’re-real-and-oh-my-God. Oh my God.” He’s practically hyperventilating. They both are. “I love you, Neil. I love you. And then they kiss. Neither boy closed their eyes, out of fear. What if this is a dream? they wonder. Alex laughs again, louder, freer.
“Dude! Dude, we did it! We did it!” Neil says the words but he still can’t believe it. After five years, is he really seeing this boy he knew from Indiana?
Alex is staring at Neil, drinking in every detail.
This is real, he thinks. We’ve actually done it. Even though it’s his thoughts, he looks at Neil as if this is the last time they’ll see each other. Maybe it is. But Alex doesn’t listen to that part of his brain, he listens to the part of his brain that is screaming.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE DID IT!
“We did it,” he whispers aloud. “We honestly did it.” He hugs Neil close to him and squeezes his ribs. “God, it’s been way too long since I’ve been able to do that.” Neil doesn’t respond. He’s crying. He pulls Alex down to sit next to him on the bed.
“Alright. We have to run now. To Boulder!”
“To Boulder,” agrees Alex. They walk hand in hand out the back door. Neil lives down the street from the airport, something he revealed to Alex the instant he knew about it. They reach the airport in a little over fifteen minutes, talking to each other about all the things they couldn’t say over email.
12:37am
“I love you,” Alex says on the plane, leaning on Neil’s shoulder and fingering his mother’s credit card. Even though the plane took off an hour ago, he still can’t get rid of the anxiety about getting caught. Maybe he should return the credit card...
“Me too. I still can’t believe we did it.”
“Um… Neil?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you marry me?” Neil laughs.
“Hell yeah. Get me a ring first.” He smiles. “By the way, I’m kidding. I’ll marry you ring or no, but I think you should mail the credit card back to your mom.”
“I was just thinking that.”
“Dude, her bill is gonna be huge.”
“That’s what she gets for being a bitch.”
“Yup.”
“Bathroom,” says Alex quickly. “Now. Let’s go.” Neil thinks back to the last time Alex said that, six years ago, and it was where Alex told him that he loved Neil and their lives changed forever, and Neil smiles at the memory. It’s one of his favorites, one he replays when he needs a helping hand, and it always makes him smile, no matter what the circumstance. He follows Alex into the bathroom and the door slams behind them. Alex locks the door and turns to Neil.
“You’re even more beautiful after five years,” they both say at the same time, and then they both blush, a red flush like red roses crawling up their face, and then they laugh. It feels good to laugh with Neil after five years, Alex thinks, and Neil thinks the same thing. Alex leans forward, and a jolt of turbulence makes him fall on Neil. He blushes, and Neil laughs.
“You’re adorable, you know that?” he asks, tracing a finger down Alex’s face.
“I like the way we look together.”
“What?”
“I like the way it looks when my pale skin touches your dark skin. It looks cool; I, uh, don’t really know how to explain it.” Neil wraps a hand around Alex’s own.
“You’re right,” he murmurs, “It does look cool.” Alex smiles, a shy smile, and Neil kissed his grin. “I used to love doing that, remember? Shit, it has been way too long.”
“Indeed it has, no-longer-pen boyfriend.”
“No-longer-pen boyfriend. Yeah. I like the sound of that.”
“Me too. That’s why I said it.”
“You’re amazing,” says Neil. Alex shrugs and looks down, a red flush on his face.
“Uh, thanks, I guess. I’m really not, though.”
“Well, you are to me. Deal with it.”
“It’s just… I don’t understand what you see in me, really. I’m just like any other kid, except uglier because I have really bad acne, and I’m fat, and-”
“Shut up, you! No bad self-talk. You are amazing and you mean the world to me. So shush. And you’re not even close to being fat! If anything, you’re too damn skinny from not eating lunch. Child, it’s bad enough that you self-talk shit, it’s worse when you make it up.” After the rant, Neil sank back. “Sorry for ranting.”
“It’s no problem. I needed it,” says Alex with a weak smile. “Now show me what damage you did to yourself while I was gone. Neil displays rows of cuts, made by his father’s old razor blades, running from elbow to wrist on both arms. Alex runs a finger tentatively along them. They are old and scabbed over, but they still hurt.
“Your turn.” Alex reluctantly rolls up his sleeves. His cuts run horizontal, from one side of the wrist to the other. Most of them are centered around his veins. Some of them, the deepest ones, are stitched together with thick thread, which he did himself. Instead of touching them, like Alex did, Neil pulls Alex’s sleeves down and yanks him into a hug.
“No more of that, okay?”
“I can’t promise anything,” Alex says. “But I’ll try, kay?”
“Okay. For now.”
“For now,” Alex agrees. “Don’t forget.”
“I’ll never forget. I haven’t forgotten anything you’ve said to me ever. That’s why my grades slipped when you left. There was too much you in my brain to make room for anything else.” Neil chuckles.
“Man, you are the actual most devoted person ever. I love that.”
“What, didn’t you do the same?”
“Of course I did. But I just never expected you too.” Alex laughs and kisses Neil, but instead of e quick kiss that he intended, the kiss gets deeper and more intense, until someone knocks on the door.
“Shit,” whispers Alex. They hesitantly walk out. A lady with a pale face and red lipstick and eccentric purple hair smiles at them.
“Thanks,” she says. Alex and Neil look at eachother and rush back to the seat, where they bust out laughing.
“I forgot,” Alex says, “we are not in Indiana. Or L.A. We’re on a plane to Boulder. Oops.” He’s blushing and laughing at the same time. Neil is laughing too, and he pats Alex on the back.
“Ow,” Alex hisses, almost inaudibly. Neil stops.
“Mom?” he asks.
“Mom,” Alex confirms. Neil rubs Alex’s back gently.
“Sorry if I hurt you.”
“S’okay.”
“Okay.”
“God, it’s like, 3:30,” Alex complains. “Wake me up when they serve lunch I’m starving.” He leans on Neil’s shoulder and closes his eyes, breathing heavily. Neil pulls Alex’s body onto his lap, afraid that if he closes his eyes, Alex will disappear. So he stays awake, keeping Alex safe from invisible monsters waiting to steal him away forever.
6:56pm
“Hey, Alex, wake up. Lunch is served.” Alex looks up sleepily.
“You’re still here,” he murmurs.
“Yep. Still here. I’m afraid I won’t be leaving anytime soon.”
“Good.” He sits up all the way, and receives his food from the waiter, macaroni and cheese, a salad without dressing, and a soggy roll with a Sprite. Neil is given the same.
“Delicious,” he says. Alex rolls his eyes.
“I would argue with you, but I’m starving because I haven’t eaten today. Stupid fucking plane delay.”
“Exactly. And you kidnapped me from my house at 4 in the morning. So no complaining, mister anorexia.”
“I don’t have anorexia.”
“Oh well. Whatever it is you have.”
“Bulimia nervosa. It’s where-”
“-you puke up everything you eat. Right, I know.” Alex smiles.
“I’ll try not to puke this up today.”
“You’d better not, or that bathroom is going to smell like shit all day.”
“It already does smell like shit,” Alex says, and both boys crack up. Alex makes faces in his soda can, and Neil takes a sip before spitting all over the seat in front of him.
“Want my Sprite? I hate carbonated drinks.”
“You remember this now?”
“Yep.” Neil grabs a napkin and wipes off the seat. Alex drains his own and then takes a sip of Neil’s.
“Mmm,” he says sarcastically. Neil laughs.
“Does it fulfill your wildest dreams?”
“Nope. My wildest dreams involve a lot more of you and a lot less plane food.”
“Smooth, man. Real smooth,” Neil says with a laugh.
“I’m as smooth as… uh, sandpaper?”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“G’night, Neil.”
“Goodnight, Alex.” Alex goes to sleep, his long, curly hair falling around his face.
Neil brushes a stray strand out of his eyes, and Alex smiles without opening his beautiful hazel eyes.
7:23pm
Alex wakes up with a jolt, shooting up into Neil’s waiting arms as the plane touches down onto the ground.
“Neil?”
“Yeah?”
“‘Zat you?”
“Indeed it is.”
“I…”
“Nightmare. But the nightmare is over. We landed.”
“Thank God.”
“So, what’re we going to do now?” Neil asks.
“Get off, make a life. You know, good shit like that.”
“Will your mom notice her credit card is missing?” Neil worries.
“Of course she will. But who cares?”
“What if we get arrested?”
“Then we’ll be in jail together, okay? Don’t worry.” Alex grips Neil’s shoulders. “Don’t worry anymore. I’m here.” Neil attempts to laugh.
“I won’t.” They walk off the plane hand in hand, ready to face the challenges ahead.
Twenty years later
“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Neil whispers to Alex. Alex smiles and kisses him.
“It’s happening. My mom got over herself and is coming to our wedding.”
“And she’s not pissed about the credit card?”
“Oh she is, but she won’t dare do anything. If she does, I’ll tell the police.”
“Smart. I still love you. I love you as much as I did twenty years ago.”
“See? You shouldn’t have worried..” Alex is now a graduate in Visual Arts, and Neil is a high school dropout. They’ve made a life in Boulder, Colorado.
And today they’re getting married.
“Are we actually doing this?”
“Yes. We are.”
“I still haven’t gotten over the adrenaline high from running away.”
“Is Neil and co coming?”
“Yeah. Even Dad is. Did you know he left because he is gay?”
“Really?”
“Yep. But he’s back now. I don’t really have to say that he supports us.”
“Nope. But cool.”
“Yeah.”
“I love you.”
“Love you.” Alex smiles.
“The next time I see you, we will no longer be boyfriends.”
“Yep. And this whole mess will be over.”
“Thank God.”
“Thank God.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, no-longer-pen boyfriend.” They kiss once before separating. Alex grabs a sharpie off the table and writes two words on his arm.
NEVER FORGET.
****
“Do you, Alex Gerepo, take this man, Neil Werther, to be your loving husband?”
“I do.”
“And do you, Neil Werther, take this man, Alex Gerepo, to be your loving husband?”
“I do.”
“You may now kiss the groom.”
THE END
A.C. WOLFE & N.B. WELLS
WC: 3,961
1:00pm
Dear Neil,
Hi. I love you. I’ve decided to write you a letter every day because if you die I can’t forget you. I’m the only one who will be able to mourn you, at least in my world. So here’s my letter for today:
Hi. Yeah, I know I said that already. I need you. I need you to stay around. I’m sorry that I cut myself, and I know you hate it, and I’m so sorry. But sorry doesn’t work unless I stop, so why do I even bother to say it anymore? You know I can’t stop. I’m sorry. Shit, I said it again. Oh well. I’m going to cut. It’s just a fact of my life. And I am truly sorry that I ruin your days and weeks and months and years with that knowledge, but think of it like this: if I cut, then I don’t kill myself. Killing myself is permanent. Cutting is not. So you can still have me around. It’s okay, I promise. Really, I do. But I can’t give it up. I’m too addicted to the pain. Pain is delicious. You should know this better than anyone. You used to cut. Yes, I am glad you stopped. Yes, I know you’d be ecstatic if I stopped cutting. But I can’t. Sorry. Shit. I really need to stop saying sorry. I swear, I’m not doing that to be annoying. I can’t control it, I’m sorry. FUCK! Um, ignore that. So, how’s your day going? I know you can’t answer me truthfully, because you can’t let your family know how you really feel. But think it at me, okay? I’ll hear it, somehow. I hate that we have to live across the country from each other. America is a big place. One day, I’ll find you. I really promise this time, okay? Tell Nick I said hi! God, your brother is adorable. Well, being pen pals has its advantages, so I guess that’s cool. But still. It would be so much better to kiss you in real life instead of kissing the computer screen, or cry on your shoulder instead of… you know what? I don’t actually cry on the computer. Again, one day. Just hold on. Okay? For me? I need you, pen boyfriend. It’s kind of cool to have a boyfriend who loves in Los Angelos. Send me some pictures of the naked ladies, will you?^ν^. Just kidding… mostly. Well, I love you. Don’t forget that, and don’t forget to write back! Love ╹◡╹,
Alex.
1:30pm
Alex,
Hi, mate! Things are going like shit around here, which I’m sure you heard when I thought it at you. Thoughts travel faster than words. d( ̄  ̄). Anyway, how are YOU doing? Never mind, I already know the answer. I love you, too. Always. How could I ever forget to write you? Why do you doubt me? LOL. Soulmates forever, right? Ahaha, do you remember when we made that up, in first grade. The good old days. Yeah, it’s ninth grade now. Things are so much harder. Mom’s having trouble paying the bills, and dad left. Sorry for not writing that earlier. I meant to, but it was just so hard to think about. I’m writing it now, so that’s what counts. There are tons of hot girls at school, but, not surprisingly, they won’t let me take any pictures. You’re right. Cutting is addictive. But I managed to stop, so I still hope that one day you will, too. One day, Alex. One day we’ll be together. But things aren’t looking good. Hey, it’s okay. I’m holding on. All week, I refrained from killing myself. I did get in a fight though. Sorry about that. You really do say sorry too much, yo. But it’s okay. You’re still the best. You’ll always be the best, no competition. I promise. If I break the promise, you get to cut off my pinky or stab my eye with a needle or something. So yeah, I won’t break that promise, promise. LOL. I’m soooo funny. See, this is why you love me. Because you secretly love my corny jokes. Right? Right? *Crickets* Oh. Oh well. Social Anxiety is kicking in again, and I don’t know what keeps triggering it. I know you love me, though. Even social anxiety can’t beat that. I feel like my few new friends hate me, cause, you know, I’m new and stuff. I fucking HATE being in a military family. And the odds are slim to none that we’ll move back to little old Indiana. But one day I’ll come back to the boring town, with you in it, and we will be together. And get married. And have… Okay, I guess we can’t literally have kids, but we can adopt kids. Right? Okay. I know you’ll say yes now. But what about in twenty years? You know what? I’ve got to stop worrying.
~Neil
1:45pm
Dear Neil,
YOU DO NEED TO STOP WORRYING YOU LITTLE IDIOT!!! OF COURSE I’LL STILL LOVE YOU IN TWENTY YEARS! Okay, let’s turn off the caps lock. I’ll love you forever. Seriously. I’ll love you when I’m a fucking ghost. You with the social anxiety, me with my depression. We’re a mess, but still, it’s like we’re made for eachother. Hell yeah, we’ll get married and go to the same college and have two point five kids and live in Boulder where kids have coming out parties. It’ll be fun. And you won’t have to worry about being judged, because judging people is not a skill set that Boulderians have. They just don’t. It’ll be perfect for us. No one will look twice at us. We’re a normal gay couple. See? Not so hard. All I need is some money. I’ve started saving up. I need 300 more dollars to get to L.A., and another 400 to get us to boulder. I’ve saved up 16 bucks so far. Sigh. Progress is slow. But my mom says I can get an allowance soon, which means I’ll save up more, faster. I stopped eating lunch, that’s how I saved up the money. I know you’re probably mad about that, but hey, it’s for a good cause. You. You’re the best cause I could ever fundraise for. Got that? So just hold on a while longer. Just a while longer, okay? No need to kill yourself. We’ll be safe soon. Promise.
Love,
Alex.
12:00am
Alex,
You don’t kill yourself either, okay?
~Neil
9:00am
Dear Neil,
Okay. I promise. School sucks. These jackasses keep calling me a fag, and I keep getting into fights. I can’t really blame you for that one you got into. It sucks, because the school keeps threatening to kick me out. My writing career will be at an end. Maybe I’ll earn my way to you with my artwork. You know I can draw okay.
Love,
Alex.
9:01am
Alex,
Yeah, okay. Don’t get kicked out. You need to go to a good college. Then you’ll earn your way to me.
~Neil
9:15am
Dear Neil,
Yeah, once I get out of my student debt.
Anyway, Good morning! No one has said that yet. Why the Hell were you up at midnight? Get some sleep, Jesus.
Love,
Alex
9:30am
Alex,
I couldn’t sleep. Okay, Mom. LOL. I’m texting at school, so I should probably put my phone away for a while. Email me at three, okay? I’ll answer then. Love you lots,
~Neil
3:30am
Alex,
Where are you? I told u to email at three pm! You still haven’t texted me at three in the morning!! I’ve been up all night! Are you alive?
~Neil
4:02am
Dear Neil,
Barely.
Love,
Alex.
4:05am
Alex,
What??? What does that mean???? Are you okay???? Please tell me you didn’t try to kill yourself.
~Neil (Who loves you and doesn’t want you to die)
4:15am
Dear Neil,
I did. Sorry. I just can’t take this anymore. I can’t take it, Neil. My mom found out about you and now she doesn’t want me talking to you. She’s crazy about this gay shit, you know. She told me that God had a plan for me to not be gay and I told her she was crazy. I have to sneak around to text you now. How fucking annoying is that? It’s fucking annoying. And now I’m fucking pissed as Hell. So yeah. I tried to die. Maybe we’ll be together in Hell. Cause if God has a plan for me without you, I ain’t going to no damn Heaven. Sorry for ranting, sorry for trying to kill myself, and sorry for everything.
Love,
Alex.
6:17am
Alex,
What did you do to die? Overdose on meds?
~Neil
6:21am
Dear Neil,
Nah. I slit my wrists.
Didn’t die though. Lucky me. Mom didn’t even bother to take me to the hospital. I just got “lucky”. She doesn’t even care anymore.
Love,
Alex.
6:22am
Alex,
Well, I’m glad you didn’t die. I need you to survive.
I mean, seriously. You’re the best. So don’t die. I’ll get there eventually. Seriously, don’t you dare die on me. Don’t you fucking dare, you little shit. You’re mine. :)
Anyway, I love you. Please, please, please, don’t die. I fucking need you. No more slitting your wrists. I want to be able to hold you one day. Seriously. Don’t. Fucking. Die. I need you, okay? I know I said that before, and it’s true. I can’t live without you. You’re my rock, my best friend, my date, you’re my everything. So don’t die. Promise me, okay? Promise.
~Neil (Who loves you and doesn’t want you to die)
6:45am
Dear Neil,
I can’t promise that. But I promise not to try to die, okay? That’s the best I can do. No suicide, I swear.
Love,
Alex.
P.S. I like your signature. LOL.
7:00am
Alex,
Bye. Going to school now. Email me when you can (๑╹ω╹๑ )
~Neil (Who loves you and doesn’t want you to die)
P.S. Thanks, bestie.
2:08am
Dear Neil,
Hi. Sorry it took me so long. Mom’s a bitch. Jesus, sometimes I wish I could just get out of here, you know? Just run all the way to L.A., The City of Angels, they call it. Los Angeles. What’s it like? It’s probably loads better than here. Shit, man. I wish I was with you. I don’t even care where. I want to be able to wake up in the morning with you next to me.
50 bucks.
Love,
Alex.
2:11am
Alex,
Where’d you get the money?
~Neil
2:34am
Dear Neil,
Stole it from mom.
Love,
Alex.
2:40am
Alex,
Damn. But okay. How is your mom being a bitch? Is she abusing you? If she is I swear to God I’ll come over there and kill her.
~Neil
P.S. I still love you but I’m too lazy to type the whole sentence :) LOL.
2:56am
Dear Neil,
She’s abusing me. Physically.
Love.
Alex.
P.S. LOL. Good to know.
3:01am
Alex,
Okay, I’ll see you later over your mother’s dead body LOL.
~Neil
P.S. I love you.
3:06am
Dear Neil,
I love you too. Anyway, it’s not that bad yet. I stole more money as revenge. Fifty seven dollars. That’s all the cash she has.
Love,
Alex.
3:07am
Alex,
Why not steal her credit card? She’ll get suspicious eventually, but if you hurry… Anyway, yeah. I love you.
~Neil
3:15am
Dear Neil,
You’re a fucking genius.
I’m coming for you ;).
Love,
Alex.
3:17am
WAIT WHAT!??!????!
OMG DON’T GET CAUGHT!!!!! OR I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF, GOT IT???
3:51am
Alex,
ALEX??????? R U THERE???
~Neil
4:28am
Alex,
ALEX???????
~Neil
5:34am
Alex,
COME ON MAN ANSWER ME!! I’M WORRIED AS FUCK RIGHT NOW.
~Neil
8:45am
JESUS ALEX
~Neil
9:00am
Dear Neil,
Alex Gerepo has been arrested on charges of stealing his mother’s credit card.
9:11am
Alex,
Oh shit.
~Neil
9:16am
Dear Neil,
Just kidding ahahahahah. Look in your bedroom when you get home…
It’s a four hour flight, what did you expect?
Anyhoo, we did it!!! I’m here! Sure, we’ll be fugitives, but:
So.
Fucking.
Worth.
It.
Love,
Alex.
4:35pm
Alex,
I’m home.
~Neil.
4:36
“Alex?”
“Neil? Told you I’d be here.” Neil stands in the doorway, shocked and amazing and totally, completely in love.
“Dude. I’m so… I don’t even know.” Neil lingers in the doorway, afraid to move forward as if Alex is an apparition that will disappear at the slightest touch. “Are you real?” Alex laughs and lunges forward to hug Neil.
“Oh-my-fucking-shit-you’re-real-and-oh-my-God. Oh my God.” He’s practically hyperventilating. They both are. “I love you, Neil. I love you. And then they kiss. Neither boy closed their eyes, out of fear. What if this is a dream? they wonder. Alex laughs again, louder, freer.
“Dude! Dude, we did it! We did it!” Neil says the words but he still can’t believe it. After five years, is he really seeing this boy he knew from Indiana?
Alex is staring at Neil, drinking in every detail.
This is real, he thinks. We’ve actually done it. Even though it’s his thoughts, he looks at Neil as if this is the last time they’ll see each other. Maybe it is. But Alex doesn’t listen to that part of his brain, he listens to the part of his brain that is screaming.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE DID IT!
“We did it,” he whispers aloud. “We honestly did it.” He hugs Neil close to him and squeezes his ribs. “God, it’s been way too long since I’ve been able to do that.” Neil doesn’t respond. He’s crying. He pulls Alex down to sit next to him on the bed.
“Alright. We have to run now. To Boulder!”
“To Boulder,” agrees Alex. They walk hand in hand out the back door. Neil lives down the street from the airport, something he revealed to Alex the instant he knew about it. They reach the airport in a little over fifteen minutes, talking to each other about all the things they couldn’t say over email.
12:37am
“I love you,” Alex says on the plane, leaning on Neil’s shoulder and fingering his mother’s credit card. Even though the plane took off an hour ago, he still can’t get rid of the anxiety about getting caught. Maybe he should return the credit card...
“Me too. I still can’t believe we did it.”
“Um… Neil?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you marry me?” Neil laughs.
“Hell yeah. Get me a ring first.” He smiles. “By the way, I’m kidding. I’ll marry you ring or no, but I think you should mail the credit card back to your mom.”
“I was just thinking that.”
“Dude, her bill is gonna be huge.”
“That’s what she gets for being a bitch.”
“Yup.”
“Bathroom,” says Alex quickly. “Now. Let’s go.” Neil thinks back to the last time Alex said that, six years ago, and it was where Alex told him that he loved Neil and their lives changed forever, and Neil smiles at the memory. It’s one of his favorites, one he replays when he needs a helping hand, and it always makes him smile, no matter what the circumstance. He follows Alex into the bathroom and the door slams behind them. Alex locks the door and turns to Neil.
“You’re even more beautiful after five years,” they both say at the same time, and then they both blush, a red flush like red roses crawling up their face, and then they laugh. It feels good to laugh with Neil after five years, Alex thinks, and Neil thinks the same thing. Alex leans forward, and a jolt of turbulence makes him fall on Neil. He blushes, and Neil laughs.
“You’re adorable, you know that?” he asks, tracing a finger down Alex’s face.
“I like the way we look together.”
“What?”
“I like the way it looks when my pale skin touches your dark skin. It looks cool; I, uh, don’t really know how to explain it.” Neil wraps a hand around Alex’s own.
“You’re right,” he murmurs, “It does look cool.” Alex smiles, a shy smile, and Neil kissed his grin. “I used to love doing that, remember? Shit, it has been way too long.”
“Indeed it has, no-longer-pen boyfriend.”
“No-longer-pen boyfriend. Yeah. I like the sound of that.”
“Me too. That’s why I said it.”
“You’re amazing,” says Neil. Alex shrugs and looks down, a red flush on his face.
“Uh, thanks, I guess. I’m really not, though.”
“Well, you are to me. Deal with it.”
“It’s just… I don’t understand what you see in me, really. I’m just like any other kid, except uglier because I have really bad acne, and I’m fat, and-”
“Shut up, you! No bad self-talk. You are amazing and you mean the world to me. So shush. And you’re not even close to being fat! If anything, you’re too damn skinny from not eating lunch. Child, it’s bad enough that you self-talk shit, it’s worse when you make it up.” After the rant, Neil sank back. “Sorry for ranting.”
“It’s no problem. I needed it,” says Alex with a weak smile. “Now show me what damage you did to yourself while I was gone. Neil displays rows of cuts, made by his father’s old razor blades, running from elbow to wrist on both arms. Alex runs a finger tentatively along them. They are old and scabbed over, but they still hurt.
“Your turn.” Alex reluctantly rolls up his sleeves. His cuts run horizontal, from one side of the wrist to the other. Most of them are centered around his veins. Some of them, the deepest ones, are stitched together with thick thread, which he did himself. Instead of touching them, like Alex did, Neil pulls Alex’s sleeves down and yanks him into a hug.
“No more of that, okay?”
“I can’t promise anything,” Alex says. “But I’ll try, kay?”
“Okay. For now.”
“For now,” Alex agrees. “Don’t forget.”
“I’ll never forget. I haven’t forgotten anything you’ve said to me ever. That’s why my grades slipped when you left. There was too much you in my brain to make room for anything else.” Neil chuckles.
“Man, you are the actual most devoted person ever. I love that.”
“What, didn’t you do the same?”
“Of course I did. But I just never expected you too.” Alex laughs and kisses Neil, but instead of e quick kiss that he intended, the kiss gets deeper and more intense, until someone knocks on the door.
“Shit,” whispers Alex. They hesitantly walk out. A lady with a pale face and red lipstick and eccentric purple hair smiles at them.
“Thanks,” she says. Alex and Neil look at eachother and rush back to the seat, where they bust out laughing.
“I forgot,” Alex says, “we are not in Indiana. Or L.A. We’re on a plane to Boulder. Oops.” He’s blushing and laughing at the same time. Neil is laughing too, and he pats Alex on the back.
“Ow,” Alex hisses, almost inaudibly. Neil stops.
“Mom?” he asks.
“Mom,” Alex confirms. Neil rubs Alex’s back gently.
“Sorry if I hurt you.”
“S’okay.”
“Okay.”
“God, it’s like, 3:30,” Alex complains. “Wake me up when they serve lunch I’m starving.” He leans on Neil’s shoulder and closes his eyes, breathing heavily. Neil pulls Alex’s body onto his lap, afraid that if he closes his eyes, Alex will disappear. So he stays awake, keeping Alex safe from invisible monsters waiting to steal him away forever.
6:56pm
“Hey, Alex, wake up. Lunch is served.” Alex looks up sleepily.
“You’re still here,” he murmurs.
“Yep. Still here. I’m afraid I won’t be leaving anytime soon.”
“Good.” He sits up all the way, and receives his food from the waiter, macaroni and cheese, a salad without dressing, and a soggy roll with a Sprite. Neil is given the same.
“Delicious,” he says. Alex rolls his eyes.
“I would argue with you, but I’m starving because I haven’t eaten today. Stupid fucking plane delay.”
“Exactly. And you kidnapped me from my house at 4 in the morning. So no complaining, mister anorexia.”
“I don’t have anorexia.”
“Oh well. Whatever it is you have.”
“Bulimia nervosa. It’s where-”
“-you puke up everything you eat. Right, I know.” Alex smiles.
“I’ll try not to puke this up today.”
“You’d better not, or that bathroom is going to smell like shit all day.”
“It already does smell like shit,” Alex says, and both boys crack up. Alex makes faces in his soda can, and Neil takes a sip before spitting all over the seat in front of him.
“Want my Sprite? I hate carbonated drinks.”
“You remember this now?”
“Yep.” Neil grabs a napkin and wipes off the seat. Alex drains his own and then takes a sip of Neil’s.
“Mmm,” he says sarcastically. Neil laughs.
“Does it fulfill your wildest dreams?”
“Nope. My wildest dreams involve a lot more of you and a lot less plane food.”
“Smooth, man. Real smooth,” Neil says with a laugh.
“I’m as smooth as… uh, sandpaper?”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“G’night, Neil.”
“Goodnight, Alex.” Alex goes to sleep, his long, curly hair falling around his face.
Neil brushes a stray strand out of his eyes, and Alex smiles without opening his beautiful hazel eyes.
7:23pm
Alex wakes up with a jolt, shooting up into Neil’s waiting arms as the plane touches down onto the ground.
“Neil?”
“Yeah?”
“‘Zat you?”
“Indeed it is.”
“I…”
“Nightmare. But the nightmare is over. We landed.”
“Thank God.”
“So, what’re we going to do now?” Neil asks.
“Get off, make a life. You know, good shit like that.”
“Will your mom notice her credit card is missing?” Neil worries.
“Of course she will. But who cares?”
“What if we get arrested?”
“Then we’ll be in jail together, okay? Don’t worry.” Alex grips Neil’s shoulders. “Don’t worry anymore. I’m here.” Neil attempts to laugh.
“I won’t.” They walk off the plane hand in hand, ready to face the challenges ahead.
Twenty years later
“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Neil whispers to Alex. Alex smiles and kisses him.
“It’s happening. My mom got over herself and is coming to our wedding.”
“And she’s not pissed about the credit card?”
“Oh she is, but she won’t dare do anything. If she does, I’ll tell the police.”
“Smart. I still love you. I love you as much as I did twenty years ago.”
“See? You shouldn’t have worried..” Alex is now a graduate in Visual Arts, and Neil is a high school dropout. They’ve made a life in Boulder, Colorado.
And today they’re getting married.
“Are we actually doing this?”
“Yes. We are.”
“I still haven’t gotten over the adrenaline high from running away.”
“Is Neil and co coming?”
“Yeah. Even Dad is. Did you know he left because he is gay?”
“Really?”
“Yep. But he’s back now. I don’t really have to say that he supports us.”
“Nope. But cool.”
“Yeah.”
“I love you.”
“Love you.” Alex smiles.
“The next time I see you, we will no longer be boyfriends.”
“Yep. And this whole mess will be over.”
“Thank God.”
“Thank God.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, no-longer-pen boyfriend.” They kiss once before separating. Alex grabs a sharpie off the table and writes two words on his arm.
NEVER FORGET.
****
“Do you, Alex Gerepo, take this man, Neil Werther, to be your loving husband?”
“I do.”
“And do you, Neil Werther, take this man, Alex Gerepo, to be your loving husband?”
“I do.”
“You may now kiss the groom.”
THE END